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Talk:Marshall McDonald/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: MeegsC (talk · contribs) 17:31, 4 February 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I'll take this one! It may take me a few days to make my first comments. MeegsC (talk) 17:31, 4 February 2021 (UTC)[reply]

  • MeegsC, thank you so much for choosing this article for GAR. I appreciate you taking the time to perform this review, and I look forward to your guidance and feedback, as I’ve long been a fan of your articles. Please let me know if you have any questions or need more information from me in the meantime! Thanks again! — West Virginian (talk) 19:24, 4 February 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Overall, this is a nice article about an interesting man. It's already in pretty good shape. That said, there are a few things to address:

A writing instructor I once had told us that studies show the average reader loses 5% comprehension for every word over 25 in a sentence. So be conscious of longer sentences, and shorten them where possible. (You do pretty well here, though there are a few 37-40 word sentences. That's a 75% comprehension loss for your average readers. Given that it's only the occasional sentence - and that we're not dealing with terribly complex ideas - you're probably okay with most of them.)

If you'll strike things out as you deal with them, I'll know what you've had a chance to fix.

Lede

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  • "Born in 1835 in Romney, Virginia (present-day West Virginia), McDonald was the son of a military officer and lawyer Angus William McDonald and his wife, Leacy Anne Naylor." This reads awkwardly. I'd suggest moving the clause about his father's job: e.g. "Born in 1835 in Romney, Virginia (present-day West Virginia), McDonald was the son of Angus William McDonald, a military officer and lawyer, and his wife, Leacy Anne Naylor."
  • "Following the war in 1865, McDonald returned to the Virginia Military Institute where he was appointed a professor with the rank of colonel instructing and serving as chair of the subjects of chemistry, geology, mineralogy, and metallurgy." There should be a comma after "colonel". And you could probably start the next sentence with "He" rather than McDonald to reduce the name repetition a bit.
  • Was it in 1875, or by 1875 that he became interested in fish farming? Seems pretty amazing that he'd be named an administrator the very first year he was interested!

Early life and education

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  • "Following the death of his mother, McDonald's father sold the Naylor family's log dwelling in 1849..." There's a misplaced modifier here; I'm assuming it was Leacy Anne and not McDonald's father's mother that died.
  • "McDonald and his family were still residing in Romney at the time of the 1850 United States Census." Which McDonald are we talking about here -- Angus or Marshall? I've lost track. If Marshall, then does "his family" include his father, or has Angus already moved? The last three sentences of this section are confusing.

Education and early academic career

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  • "Fall 1860..." Fall should be lower case.

Military career in the American Civil War

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  • "He then served as inspector general of the staff..." Is "of" correct here? Or should it be "on"?
  • "While serving as chief engineer under Pemberton, the Union Army..." Another misplaced modifier; the Union Army was never a chief engineer. ;)
  • Sources seem to indicate that McDonald was wounded in battle; after all, his student refers to him "pointing with his crutch". Was he? You make no mention here.
  • "McDonald was promoted to the rank of major in command of engineers on the staff of General Braxton Bragg and was to be promoted to the ranks of colonel and brigadier general when the war ended." Does that mean he wasn't promoted because the war ended too soon? Or that he was promoted during the course of the war? It's entirely unclear. If the later, I'd suggest "McDonald was promoted to the rank of major in command of engineers on the staff of General Braxton Bragg. By the end of the war he had been promoted to the ranks of colonel and brigadier general."
  • Did Angus McDonald die in battle, or of wounds or disease, or...? I'm not quite sure why his details are included here, but if you're going to include them, include ALL of them!

Return to VMI

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  • "Following the war in 1865, McDonald returned to the Virginia Military Institute where he was appointed a professor with the rank of colonel instructing and serving as chair of the subjects of chemistry, geology, mineralogy, and metallurgy." There should (at least) be a comma after colonel. In fact, I'd suggest a period, followed by "He served as both instructor and chair..." (This is one of those longer sentences I mentioned at the top.)
  • "The Board of Directors appointed McDonald to replace Colonel Gilham, (who had been appointed to replace George Washington Custis Lee the previous year), as chair of the subjects of chemistry, mineralogy, and geology." This seems to be a repetition of much of the previous sentence. Is it important who he replaced? If so, then remove the info about the chair position from the previous sentence. If not, then delete this sentence.
  • "Upon his return to the Virginia Military Institute, McDonald established the institution's first museum." We already know (based on the section we're in) that it's upon his return, so that clause can be removed. Of more interest is what is contained in the museum - why did he create it?
  • I found this website about the museum. Interestingly, it says Superintendent Smith started the museum in 1856. If it doesn't add anything, I'd just say something like "During his tenure, McDonald established the institution's first museum."
  • "In 1875, McDonald developed an interest in fish farming..." same query as above (in the lede section).
  • "He was appointed as the sole Fish Commissioner of Virginia shortly thereafter." The footnotes after this sentence aren't in order.
  • "It was during his tenure in this position that McDonald invented the fish ladder that was named for him." Was it while he was here? Or at the US Fish Commission? Because it's mentioned again in the "Fish hatching innovations" in that section. If it was here, then informaton about that invention should be moved here.
  • "In 1877, Virginia commissioned McDonald to conduct a survey of mineral resources within the James River basin, reporting and to report his findings to the Virginia General Assembly in 1879." I'm assuming that he was to report his results?
  • "McDonald continued to instruct at the Virginia Military Institute until 1879, when his former professor, Spencer Fullerton Baird, offered him a position with the United States Commission of Fish and Fisheries." Again, footnotes out of order. And was Baird ever his professor? He never taught at VMI.
  • "McDonald accepted and submitted his resignation from the Virginia commission to Governor Fitzhugh Lee." Comma after accepted.

I'll finish this up after lunch! MeegsC (talk) 13:39, 7 February 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Sorry for the delay; it was a long lunch!! XD

United States Fish Commission

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  • "McDonald was appointed to an assistant's position within the United States Fish Commission where he was a special agent under Baird and responsible..." Commas after commission and Baird, and you can lose the "and".
  • When you say he was "responsible for the distribution of young fishes and food fishes", what does that mean? To whom did he distribute them? Other hatcheries? Rivers? Restaurants?
  • "...because of the breadth of his experience, organizational and leadership abilities, and his sense of duty and ..." I think there should be a "his" in front of "organizational" here.
  • "McDonald was viewed as one of the "most accomplished" fish culturists in the United States at the time of his appointment." By whom? The quote needs to be attributed.
  • It may just be personal preference (and feel free to ignore this one), but "designed and invented" sounds more typical than "invented and designed".
  • What was an "automatic hatching jar"? What did it do? Why was it such a revolutionary invention? A brief description would be great here (a la your explanation of the tide box).
  • The vast production and distribution of fish eggs by the Fish Commission was made possible through the utilization of this tidal apparatus. "By using this apparatus, Its use made the process of hatching eggs was made cheaper and increased the commission's fish farming output capacity." A few tweaks to tighten the wording and make it slightly less stilted.
  • "Prior to his appointment as Fish Commissioner, McDonald was awarded gold medals and diplomas from international fishery exhibitions in Berlin and London and a silver medal from the Société d’Acclimation in Paris for his inventions and improvements in the field of fish farming." Comma after London. Maybe "Early in his career at the Fish Commission..." rather than "Prior to his appointment..." It felt a bit odd to have this tacked on at the end of the section, given that he won these awards so early in his career there. Could this be worked into the first paragraph, with his subsequent commission moved into a second paragraph? Not a deal-killer by any means; it just felt a bit "stuck-on" where it is now.
  • I rephrased the beginning per your recommendation, but had wanted to keep this here so that all the awards and honors were together in one paragraph. Take another look and let me know if this would do or if it requires further reorganization. Thanks again! -- West Virginian (talk) 18:50, 13 February 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Later life and death

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  • Maybe "By the time" instead of "At the time" at the start of the first sentence. This SAR sentence is a bit abrupt—and most of the rest of the material about why and how he applied is several sections below in the Geneology section. I think it would read better if you reworked this to incorporate all of that information in the same section. Maybe explain about what it is and why he applied and what the results were. Also odd was the sudden introduction of a wife and dead child who then aren't "introduced" for several more sections.
  • Maybe say "He added..." or some such before the second Charles Hallock quote. Right now, it looks a bit odd to have a floating quote out there, not connected to the other one.
  • There's a lot of "McDonalds" in this paragraph. You could probably start the third sentence with "His condition deteriorated" to mix things up a bit.

The last two sections read fine, but I wonder whether it might not be better to weave this information into the flow of his life at least slightly further up in the article—at least introducing them prior to mentioning them.

Earwig's copyright violation tool doesn't throw up any significant issues. The pictures all have appropriate licenses, and are appropriate to the article. I'll put the review on hold for a week to give you a chance to address these issues. I'll keep an eye on this, but feel free to ping me if you have any questions! MeegsC (talk) 21:18, 8 February 2021 (UTC)[reply]
West Virginian this looks great! I'm happy to give this a GA plus! MeegsC (talk) 20:32, 13 February 2021 (UTC)[reply]
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