User:Einheit947

Born John Trousers and Eric Red-Handed at the exact same time, identically named twins Einheit947 played saturated bass in 80's pop-band Haircut 100 until the real bass player told them to put his bass down and get the hell out of his house. Bobbling between working in a variety of print and copy shops as well as wanting to be the hair from Siouxsie and the Banshees, Einheit947 once angered guitarist Robert Smith so much that he destroyed Tokyo. After many unsatisfactory adventures both Einheits descided to go their seperate ways, eventually becoming Sting and Uranus until told to stop calling themselves that by the real Sting and a man. In 2001 Einheit947 became executive Vice-president of exactly how fast and how furious the various cast members of The Fast and The Furious movies can be at any given time. Too fast and nobody can see how furious they are.To slow and all they appear is angry. To relax, the surviving Einheit947 likes to relax.

About myself

What can I say? Women want to be me, men want to lick me. Dogs envy my preternatural sense of direction and comedic timing. I live an unfortunate, sticky, germ riddled life full of nice smelling imposters and often find myself distracted by the smell of food.

I was born into a family. What we lacked in wealth we more than made up with privilege. My Great-Great-Great Grandfather, Aldos Einheit947, invented the fridge-magnet unfortunately only copyrighting the concept rather than properly patenting it, thus succeeding in making my family filthy beyond all expectation rather than remotely rich.

I was sent to the very furthest private schools and was told to stay their until called for. Alas, by the age of 32 I got bored and made my way here, to Wikipedia Land. Where everything smells, mostly of comas, but quite often also of the occasional colon.

Errata

I might expand upon this at some point. I might just go through the motions and copy and paste Benedict Cumberbatche's life story in here, like I did on my credit card and mortgage applications...

(Opps. I should not have said that, young Harry Potter. I should not have said that at all.)

I Told You So!

Dorthy L Sayers in her seminal work How Am I Supposed To Get That Out Of Gingham? ^{[citation needed}] once punched my great aunt. For absolutely no reason. Just walked up to her in Selfriges and punched her right in the eggs, walked off. Not one word of exposition.

I had a second cousin who did a very similar thing to Ian Fleming. The difference being he - unlike Dorthy L Sayers - lived to regret their actions almost as much as the five years following the incident spent in HMP Pentonvile where as Sayers just carried on going from strength to strength.

Personal Details and Inspirations

Some words I've found inspiring that have gotten me through some tough times. Some very tough times indeed.

"I. am. Beaut-i-ful.

No. Mat-ter. what. They, say words.

Can't. Bring. Medown. I. am.

Beaut-i-ful.

In every.

Single.

Way words can't.

Bring me.

Down so don't. You bring. Me down. To.

Day." - William Shatner -

Directions to the shops from my house.

Just turn right past Dave. You really can't miss them. They're all conveniently labeled on the outside.

Do You Know The Way to San José?

Just turn right at Dave and carry on past the shops. It's on the left. You can't miss it, it possitively reeks of the last Coldplay album.

NB

• (Note-to-self: Needs citations and a picture of Phoebe Waller-Bridge. A clean one this time and not stuck in upside down like the last time.)
• (Other Note-to-self: Poem - "Benedict, Benedict Cumberbatches. A very posh man. Who's good, with matches" .)
• (Other-other Note-to-self: If Benedict Cumberbatch were the type to light his own farts, would that be his job or his butlers?)
• (Other-other-other Note-to-self: How exactly does one butle? Is it consensual and, if so, is there a particular angle it can only be attempted from, like re-entry?)

Einheit947 (talk) 13:04, 21 November 2021 (UTC)