About the Last Word

On Wikipedia (and indeed the entirety of the world), even more than in real life, getting the Last Word in a debate is crucial, as it is the only proof of your argumentative success over competing editors. The following is a useful collection of suggestions on why and how to obtain your right to have the Last Word, however tenaciously your opponent may be trying to rob you of your privilege.

Reasons for getting the Last Word

There are lists all over the internet of "Famous Last Words". These were the last things uttered by famous people just before meeting their demise. My personal favorite is "Don't worry - I've got it under control." Look these up, and when you get the last word, use them. Getting the Last Word means that you win the debate. It also shows your moral superiority, and willingness to stand your ground. This should convince your opponent that you are correct, and will certainly impress your fellow Wikipedians.

It is particularly important to get the Last Word where you are in some doubt as to the merits of your case. The Last Word will serve as a clinching argument that will make up for any deficiencies in your logic. Achieving the Last Word now also brings the advantage that you may subsequently point to your success in this debate as the clinching argument in future debates. However, if you did not win the last discussion, we still recommend claiming incessantly that you did. This is very important.

How to get the Last Word

Getting the last word is not just a game. It's serious Wikipedia business!

Aside from looking up lists of particularly good last words on the internet, we recommend the following tried and tested tactics to aid you in taking what is rightfully yours.

Often, your opponent will not understand the importance of the Last Word (^TM) and will readily concede the ground to you (in which case it's nevertheless mandatory to rub it in his face on all relevant talk pages). However, sometimes your opponent is well aware of this what you are attempting and will attempt to wrongfully deprive you of your right. Do not give ground to such intimidation. Pursue your case with fortitude and vigor! Be Bold! If your actual arguments have already been stated on the page, do not fear to repeat them in a slightly different form. CAPITALISING YOUR ARGUMENT, or bolding sections, can be used to give variety if you fear you are being repetitive. Reword your point, then reword it again!

"I know what you're doing, you are just trying to have the last word!"

Debates are like boxing matches. Try to make your opponent do the footwork so they get exhausted while you preserve your energy for the ~~final blow~~ Last Word. If they bring any arguments you cannot immediately refute, play dumb and ask for clarification, it helps wear off the adversary's patience. Ask for more sources and better sources (ideally in that order). If they insolently keep providing answers, arbitrarily stop replying for a while. Better yet, point out that their answer dodges the real question, which is something tangentially (if at all) related to your original point. Be sure to post on their user talk page, so they have additional opportunities for ~~frustration~~ thoughtful response. You can conserve your own energy by posting one question on the article talk page, posting a second question on their user talk page, then posting that second question on the article talk page and the first question on the user talk page. Did you follow all that? READ IT AGAIN!

Elegance is relative. Cheat, if you think you can get away with it. Call in ~~your friends~~ uninvolved neutral parties to keep the other party busy and distract from the original debate. Exploit the headstart you have over impudent newbies. Most of them walk into debates like knifers into a gunfight: Easy prey.

As a last resort, it is very advisable to use templates as early as possible and to cite any convenient policies or Jimbo rants that you think will be useful to your cause. After all, one template says more than a thousand words, and it's an elegant way to get the Last Word in case the other ~~bastard~~ user just won't concede the ground.

Other complementary tactics

The following are practical enhancements to all Last Word^TM strategies:

Remind ~~the little shits~~ your opponents that they should assume good faith and not make personal attacks. Even if they aren't doing such, people will get the impression that they are...afterall, you just reminded them, right?
Liberally employ vandalism accusations. It is at least theoretically possible that their edits are vandalism, so there is no reason not to raise this legit concern.
If the "arguments" of the other side are being agreed to by one or more people, chances are you're dealing with sockpuppets, a cabal, or possible mass mind control, so make sure to appropriately demand proof of innocence.
Get the support of one of the good admins^TM. This is most easily done by contacting ALL admins. Those that respond favorably to you are obviously the good ones.
Don't forget to bring up Jimbo and the importance and professionalism of Wikipedia. After all, these things are important and impressive and mentioning them will give you an edge. Maybe

Don't give up

Don't do it! If you give up, the other ~~jackass~~ helpful editor will get THE LAST WORD.

Sources

This article is ~~totally plageurized~~ inspired by This Article, which is a lesser article, not nearly as funny as MY ARTICLE^TM, and I have greatly improved on it.